P.S. This is humbly dedicated to Gene Roddenberry, whose voyage through the FINAL frontier began Thursday evening, October 24, 1991, having given many of us reason to look up into the stars at night and dream. Thank you, Mr. Roddenberry, We'll miss you.
Opening Scene:
(fade in on scene of hideous destruction being wreaked on weak, innocent, small fuzzy creatures with big eyes and twitchy noses by a race of large mechanical beings closely resembling salt & pepper shakers with high power energy weapons. Pan right and up to branch of large tree overlooking scene. Q flashes into being, stretched luxuriantly on the branch grinning like a Cheshire cat.)
(background voices): Ex-ter-min-ate! Ex-ter-min-ate!
Q: Daleks! Fascinating race. What an absolutely splendid gift for my lovely Jean-Luc!
(Close up on Q's grin as scene fades to black, leaving grin hanging in darkness.)
Opening Credits: Picard (over shot of open space): "Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship, Enterprise. It's continuing mission: to explore strange, new worlds, to seek out new sequels and new forms of profit, to boldly go where no one (but us) has gone before.
[INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE]
SCENE 1
Picard: Captain's Personal Log Stardate 43343.57: We are currently engaged in a routine mapping assignment, cruising a previously uncharted sector of space. Data is taking readings while the rest of us sit back and twiddle our thumbs, with the exception of Lieutenant Rock, the Horta, who has no thumbs. I have come to the conclusion that Counselor Troi and Number One should be confined together in the brig until they see fit to release the obvious "tension" between them. I'm really getting annoyed with their exchange of "deep thoughtful looks" over my back on the bridge. It makes me feel so inadequate.
[F/X: Computer intercom noise]
Riker: Captain, we have intercepted a distress call from a previously undiscovered race of weak, innocent small fuzzy creatures with big eyes and twitchy noses. They claim they are being attacked by what Mr. Data can only loosely translate as "salt & pepper shakers with tinny monotone voices". Should we respond?
Picard: Make it so.
Riker: And our message?
Picard: To the Salt&PepperShakers: We surrender.
(Q suddenly appears in a realistic flash of light)
Q: Jean-Luc, how disappointing. I see you have met my little friends and are ready to go home crying, having wet your pants.
Picard: Am not! er.. We most certainly will not be leaving the area until we have effectively assessed the potential threat of the Salt&PepperShaker race to the Federation.
Q (evil menacing look on face): As you wish, Picard, but heed my warning. These creatures are not to be trifled with. The weak, innocent small fuzzy creatures with big eyes and twitchy noses are already doomed, and so will you be if you allow the aggressors to learn of your existance! Remember the Borg, Locutus!!
(At the mention of the Borg, the entire crew wets their pants, with the exception of Lieutenant Rock, the Horta, who has no pants.)
[INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE]
Announcer's voice: Mondosians-- tired of your cyberwoman complaining that your cyberpits reek like decaying humans? Use Arrid Cyber-dry! Guaranteed to destroy the ozone layer!!!! No harmful gold or aluminum by-products...by CYBERMENNEN....
(Enter ENERGIZER bunny beating on large drum)
Different announcer: And it keeps going and going and going...
[F/X - CAMERA FOLLOWS BUNNY - FADE BACKGROUND TO BLACK AND THEN COME UP ON NEXT SCENE]
SCENE 2
(Interior of large room with metallic walls, panels of instrumentation and random flickering colored lights with no apparent purpose. Two salt&peppershaker-shaped creatures face each other in front of a large blank screen. Pink Energizer bunny passes by beating on drum. As bunny exits room, saltshaker whirls, fires at bunny, and whirls back without seeing if the shot hits.)
[F/X - (It does.) SMOKE AND SPARKS. LARGE BUNNY HEAD IS THROWN INTO ROOM - S&P SHAKERS IGNORE IT. SOUND OF DRUMS & ANNOUNCER.]
Announcer: ...and going and going and...
[F/X: A SIZZLING NOISE AND A GURGLE/SCREAM ANNOUNCE A DIRECT HIT]
Peppershaker: Have the weak, innocent small fuzzy creatures with big eyes and twitchy noses been exterminated, Middle-management unit number 65/j subsection 8?
Saltshaker: Negative, Supreme leader. Resistance remains in Sector 5.
Peppershaker: Resistance? Explain.
Saltshaker: They have previously unencountered attack modes, Leader. They attack by throwing their arms around us to impede mobility, and fill ventilation shafts with vegetable matter in order to suffocate.
Peppershaker: Delegate three additional attack squadrons to Sector Five. Resistance is futile. We are supreme......
(Fade to black, over sound of Salt and Pepper Shakers repeating "We are supreme...")
SCENE 3
(Fisheye open on group of WISFCWBEATN [Guess, moron.] conferring.)
WISFCWBEATN One: Meanpeople hurt. Love not. Give we hugs - meanpeople us make foreversleep. Give we warm tummyhappy - meanpeople us make more foreversleep. Foreversleep not happymaking. What do we?
WISFCWBEATN Two: Give maybe meanpeople furry sleepwith toy, make happypeople?
(Fade to black with little rainbow hearts)
SCENE 4 (Open viewing Picard through an outside portal as he is kneeling in the Enterprise's main chapel. Zoom in as Riker now enters to kneel beside his captain.)
Riker (soft and reverently): All hail the great one.
Picard (also soft and reverently): All hail.
(They both look up and their eyes are glowing with love and respect. The camera picks up and, following their gazes, rests on a life-size, blown up photograph of James T. Kirk wearing his admiral's uniform and his grin. Then camera swings towards the exit following the leaving Captian and First Officer to the turbolift)
Riker (raising his voice): BRIDGE! CAPTAIN, WE ARE NOW WITHIN VISUAL RANGE OF THE PLANET....
(Picard interrupts)
Picard: Lower your voice, Number One! I'm bald not deaf!
Riker (still yelling): SIR! I mean (lowers voice to a whisper) sir.
(The turbo lift doors open just as Picard gives Will a resounding slap. Entire bridge crew stands and gives Jean-Luc a hand, all except Lieutenant Rock, the Horta, who has no hand. Jean-Luc bows and steps off the lift as Riker crumples to the floor, curls up into a fetal position, and cries. Two ensigns get on the lift, stepping on Riker in the process. Picard makes his way to the con and stands in front of it, pulling his shirt down as he addresses Data.)
Picard: Mr. Data...[INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE.]
Data: Commercial? As in advertisement, blurb, spot, pitch.....
Picard: Be quiet, Mr. Data.
Data: Quiet? As in soundless, silent...
(Another slap echoes across the bridge, followed quickly by curses that cause Mr. Worf to hit the ground in shock. Picard staggers off the bridge clutching his hand. Mr. Data merely shifts his jaw & produces a compact with which he smooths his smeared makeup.)
SCENE 5
(Fade in on Sickbay. Riker is huddled in a corner, with Troi close by, trying to lure him out. Picard shuffles in.)
Dr. Crusher: Jean-Luc! What happened?
Picard: So much for my assertiveness classes.
(Beverly tenderly takes his hand. She moves closer. Heartrates increase. Breathing becomes heavy. She runs a med-scanner over it.)
Dr. Crusher: It's broken, Jean-Luc!
(Picard rolls his eyes heavenward)
[PLEASE BE SO KIND AS TO PLACE A PAID ADVERTISEMENT IN THIS LOCATION, THE CREW APPRECIATES IT, THANK YOU.]
SCENE 6 (our story continues in Engineering....)
Wesley: What are you doing commander? Can I help? I have all of my homework finished for the next three years and I translated it into three different languages; I'm really bored and I thought you might have something for me to do so I.....
LaForge: Shut up Wesley. Go save the ship or something.
(He turns back to the engineer beside him and they both return to looking at the computer wall diagrams of the ship. )
LaForge: Now I'm sure the power stall was in this part right here.
(Geordi points at a section and then turns around to the console in the middle of the room. Wesley is standing there looking confused; Geordi pushes him aside. At the console, LaForge pushes a communicating button. A voice rings out...)
A Voice: DOMINO'S PIZZA. WE'RE THERE IN THIRTY MINUTES OR IT'S FREE. MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER, PLEASE?
Geordi: Wesley, how many times have I told you to stop using this line?
(He pushes the button again and gets yet another voice.)
Yet Another Voice: Deck four section three security, Lt. Dent here.
Geordi: This is Commander LaForge in Engineering. What in the universe is going on down there? We're registering slight power losses at irregular intervals. What are you guys doing down there?
Lt. Dent: Nothing sir. We're just having some tea.
(LaForge struggles to figure out this amazingly stupid allusion. Meanwhile in the main transporter room a blue box suddenly appears, whooshing asthmatically, on the transporter platform. Mr. O'Brien has all the saints knocked out of him and he calls for security, but by some cosmic coinky-dinky.... they're busy.)
SCENE 7
(A door in the blue box opens, and out step: a tall, gangly man with a looooooong red-and-earth-tone scarf and maroon coat, a slightly shorter blond woman with a slightly shorter white scarf and pink coat, and a squat mechanism vaguely resembling a dog?!)
Doctor: Hello, I'm the Doctor, this is Romana and this is K-9. Say hullo K-9. Would you be so kind as to tell us exactly where and when we are? Would you like a jelly baby?
(He holds out a white bag to O'Brien.)
O'Brien: Thud.
(O'Brien hits floor, face down, with a resounding thud.)
[F/X: THUD]
Doctor: I guess he didn't want a jelly baby.
(Romana and he kneel on either side of O'Brien. Romana smiles innocently and asks...)
Romana: Who is he, Doctor?
Doctor (Standing up, face turning red): Who is he? Who is he? How the bloody hell should I know who he is? I know I'm a genius, but I'm not omniscient.
(Voice of Q coming from thin air interrupts.)
Q: I am.
Doctor: Shut up. As I was saying, I'm coming into a situation cold, not even knowing where we are, and you, you with your supposedly superior intellect and flipping Triple Alpha rating, can't give me a logical guess?
Romana: Alright. I think...
Doctor: Well, you're wrong. He's obviously a engineer in the transporter section of a Galaxy class starship of the United Federation of Planets circa 2343 A.D.
Romana (amazed): How did you know that?
Doctor: Popped forward and stole a copy of the script while you were staring at the wall just now. Who said that?
Romana: Who said what?
Doctor: Who said "I am"?
(Enter Geordi, worried look on face, from left, and Riker, still gingerly rubbing his cheek, from right.)
Riker and Geordi: Mister O'Brien, what's going on? (seeing each other) What are YOU doing here?
LaForge: I detected the presence of an unauthorized object in the transporter that's not supposed to be there...
Riker: Dr. Crusher sent me, since I was in Sickbay anyway. Mister O'Brien's Lifecall Unit buzzed.
O'Brien (groans): I've fallen, and I can't get up.
Doctor: Why is that?
O'Brien: Well, sir, it could be because you're standing on my knee.
Doctor: Sorry about that, old chap. (Helps O'Brien up.)
(Geordi and Riker just now notice the presence of two weirdly-dressed total strangers and a metal dog(?!) in the transporter section)
Geordi and Riker: Who are you?
Doctor (groans): Not again! Oh well. (mutters quickly) I'mtheDoctorthisisRomanaandthisisK-9sayhulloK-9couldyoutellusexactly whereandwhenwearewouldyoulikeajellybaby?
Geordi and Riker: WHAT?
Romana: He said he's the Doctor, I'm Romana, that's K-9, he told K-9 to say hullo, and he offered you a jelly baby.
Geordi (to Doctor): Oh. Well why didn't you say so? I'm Geordi, and this is Will. No thanks, I just brushed my teeth. Will might like one, though.
Riker: Mister LaForge, are you insane? Two total strangers and a metal dog(?!) show up in the transporter room, knock Mister O'Brien on his...aspirations and offer us non-standard issue sugar by-products and you roll out the red carpet for them. Why don't you just tell them how to turn the warp drive into a nuclear explosive and what Captain Picard keeps under his bed in the shoe box marked "Letters from Maman?"
Geordi: Well, if you insist, but I thought the whole galaxy knew about the Captain's collection of Playbeing centerfolds.
Riker: Shut up, Geordi. (To the Doctor) I think Geordi'd better take you to see the Captain.
(Geordi, the Doctor and K-9 exit left)
Riker: Dismissed, Mr. O'Brien. Report to Sickbay.
O'Brien: But...
Riker: NOW, Mr. O'Brien....
(O'Brien exits right.)
Riker (To Romana, smarmily): Now, Miss. Would you care to take the V.I.P. tour of the Enterprise, beginning with, oh, say, Ten Forward, and culminating in the First Officer's Quarters?
(Romana and Riker exit left. Pan to transporter pads. Closeup on TARDIS, which now has "Q WAS HERE!" scrawled all over it in pink chalk.)
SCENE 8
(The Enterprise briefing room. Present are: Captain Picard, Counselor Troi, Geordi, Lt. Commander Data, make-up artfully re-applied, the Doctor and K-9. Enter Romana, face flushed.)
Romana: Why, do you know what that...that...speelsnape tried to do?
(Enter Riker, rubbing the opposite cheek. On removal of his hand, we see the print of a small, ladylike hand engraved on his skin.)
Picard: Doctor, I'm finding this story a bit difficult to believe. Would you mind repeating it for my first officer's benefit?
Romana (glaring at Riker): Why? Thinking maybe it'll make some kind of sense the second time around? It never does, you know.
Picard: Exposition, woman- exposition. Haven't you been reading the script?
Romana: No, I generally just make things up as I go along.
Doctor: Hey, that's MY line!
(Pulls crumpled script out of his pocket. Closeup on text reading "Doctor: No, I generally just make things up as I go along.")
Romana (affronted): Well excuuuuse me!
Doctor: Of course. now as I was saying, I generally just make things up as I go along. Anyway, as I was telling young Kir...er...Picard here, we're Time Lords. We were trying to take a small holiday and....
Riker: Let me guess. You were pulled here by some sort of irresistible alien force and...
Doctor: No. I just mistyped the coordinates, actually.
(Suddenly, from nowhere, a headless, smoking pink bunny beating a drum goes zipping across the screen and off into the distance, crashing into scenery and generally making a big mess.)
Geordi: They haven't taken care of that thing yet?
Troi: I sense some great evil behind it.
Geordi: Ooh. That was deep.
Doctor: You're telepathic?
Troi: No, just empathic.
Riker: (To Doctor) Ask me about the advantages of having an empath sometime.
Picard: (clears throat) Now then. Since you've now explained who you are, you may as well sit in on this top secret briefing of our mission. Lt. Data...
Data: The planet in question is in a previously unexplored sector. 5 of the 7 planets in the system are class M, however only 1 appears to support any form of life. We have received a distress call from a race of weak, innocent small fuzzy creatures with big eyes and twitchy noses. They are apparently being attacked by a race of salt and pepper shakers with tinny monotone voices.
Doctor: Sounds like the Daleks! Here's what we have to do...
Picard: Wait a minute! I'm the one who comes up with all the brilliant plans around here! Now, as I was ABOUT to say, it sounds like the Daleks! Here's what... Wait. Who ARE the Daleks?
Data: We may infer that they are the race of salt and pepper shakers to which you surrendered half an hour ago.
Picard: Yes. Ah.....
[INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE]
SCENE 9
(Transporter room. Wesley walks out from behind a warp coil unit with the words "Q was here" on it sitting on the transporter pad. Enter O'Brien, Picard and the Doctor.)
Doctor: Where's my TARDIS!!! Who took it this time! I want it back!
Wesley: Oh, it's OK. I saw your TARDIS just sitting there, so obviously in need of repair, so I took the liberty of fixing it up for you. It's MUCH better NOW. See? I even got the chameleon circuit working again.
Doctor: (Suddenly red enough to explode) WHAT!!!! You what??!! (Going over to warp coil and patting it tenderly) What did that awful child do to you, poor old thing. There, there. It will all be all right. Daddy will make it better. (To Wesley) You! Since you were so kind as to fix my TARDIS, please be so kind as to go back in and break it again!! I can't have every upstart messing with the old girl's machinery. She's very sensitive, you know.
(Wesley sighs and re-enters the TARDIS. Sounds of mass destruction come from inside. The TARDIS shudders and regains the familiar police box shape, still with the words "Q was here" on it. Wesley returns.)
Wesley: Doctor: That's better.
O'Brien: Good. I was wondering what a warp coil with the words "Q was
here" on it was doing on my transporter. That's much better. A police box with
the words "Q was here" on it makes a lot more sense. I feel better now.
Picard: O'Brien, report to Sickbay.
O'Brien: Again?
Picard: Wesley, escort him.
(Wesley & O'Brien begin to exit left)
Wesley: It's OK, O'Brien. I'll just..
Picard: And Wesley... Shut Up!!
Doctor: Now then Captain, back to that problem we were discussing. You
want this woman called Beverly to...
Picard: Please lower your voice! Anyone could hear us in here. This is
a private matter!
Doctor: You mean like your collection of Playbeing centerfolds in the
box under your bed labeled "Letters from Maman"?
Picard: Zounds! Does the whole universe know?!!
Q (sticking head through wall): They do now, Mon Capitan!
Doctor: Who was that rather annoying chap?!
Picard: Later.
SCENE 10
(Picard and the Doctor in the control room of the TARDIS. The Doctor is on
the floor, half hidden by the console panel, and handing pieces of the TARDIS to
Captain Picard who already has his hands full of parts and circuitry. The
Captain is struggling to comprehend.)
Picard: Ah, yes. Um...
Doctor: Never mind. Temporal physics. I'd show you the formulas, but
my granddaughter used them for a papier mache' project years ago and I just
haven't gotten around to recopying them....ah...(he rises and holds up a small
panel with blue dots all over it.) here it is. But all it means, really, is that
it's bigger on the inside than on the outside.
Picard: Granddaughter?
Doctor: Did I ask you about your personal life?
Picard: Well, yes, actually.
Doctor: Er...yes, well. Ah...where's that Ten forward place you
mentioned? Let's go.
(The Doctor leaves the TARDIS and Picard just stands in the room holding the
equipment. The Doctor's head pops back through the door.)
Doctor: Well? Come on!
(Picard shrugs the equipment to the floor and follows the Doctor out the
door, ready for a good stiff drink and feeling sincerely inadequate. Again.
Camera follows Picard and the Doctor down the hallway to the lift.)
Picard: Uh, Doctor...what were we trying to do in there?
Doctor: Not much. I had a notion that Wesley hadn't completely put the
TARDIS back the way he found it.
Picard: And had he?
Doctor: No. He preset the chameleon circuit so that the next time we
materialized, TARDIS would take the form of a giant tangerine.
(The two enter the lift.)
SCENE 11
(Ten Forward. Various crew members are seated at tables pretending to get
sloshed on synthahol. Wesley and O'Brien are seated at the bar eating hot fudge
sundaes.)
Picard: Mr. O'Brien, I told you to report to Sickbay?
Wesley: We did. Mom said we could go have a hot fudge sundae, honest.
(Guinan appears from behind the bar. The Doctor gets a good look at her.)
Doctor: Guinan! Long time no see! Been...oh... two, three centuries,
hasn't it?
Guinan (beaming broadly): Your usual, Doctor?
Doctor: You remember?
Guinan: Of course.
Doctor: Well, I don't. Could you remind me?
Guinan: Pangalactic Gargle Blaster.
Doctor (blanches): No thanks. I almost lost a regeneration to the last
one of those I had. Taught me never to go barhopping with Ford Prefect again.
Picard: All of our beverages are made with synthahol, Doctor.
Doctor: In that case, Guinan, make it a triple...
Doctor and Guinan (together): On the rocks.
Guinan (waving her hand at him): Yeah, I know.
(Picard and the Doctor retire to a table.)
Picard: You and Guinan know each other?
Doctor (yelling over his shoulder to Guinan): Borusa's Temporal Calc.
101, wasn't it? Third seat from the back? Exchange student from...
Guinan: Shut up, Doctor.
Doctor: (chuckling) Yes, same old Guinan.
Guinan: (bringing glass to Doctor) Watch who you're calling old. I
seem to recall attending your granddaughter's last class play. How are HER kids
by the way....
Doctor: Shut up, Guinan.
(The Doctor hold up his glass, full of swirling colors and lumps of
unrecognizable substances, bubbling and hissing. The look on his face is one of
pleasure and pain. Suddenly, as if making a decision, he shrugs and downs the
drink in one gulp. As he does so he tenses, as if expecting a blow. After a
moment he relaxes and a look of disappointment appears on his face.)
Doctor (To Guinan): Something's missing. No real effect. It's good,
but it's just not the same without that old "kick".
Guinan: We don't have the facilities for a kick like that here.
Besides, they outlawed Old Janx Spirit as a deadly weapon a hundred years ago.
Riker (primping and looking macho): How bad a kick could it be?
Guinan: It's like being tied to the OUTSIDE of the warp engines as
they do a cold start and take off at about warp 6. On a GOOD day.
Riker (now smiling and puffing out his chest): Huh. I don't believe
it. If the Doctor, here, can take it so can I. Give me one of those, Guinan.
No..(he raises his voice to be heard above bar noise) make mine a straight...
Guinan: Commander, I don't think.....
Riker: My drink, barkeeper.
Guinan: Sir.
(She hands Riker a glass. In it is an even viler looking liquid than the
Doctor's and Will looks at it with a smirk. The Doctor looks towards him and
opens his mouth.)
Doctor: Uhh..Commander, I don't think you....
(Riker downs the entire drink in one gulp. He returns the glass to the bar
and turns to gloat towards the table where the Doctor and Picard are sitting and
staring at him. Every one is staring at him.)
Riker: foofker hut aikwn ungt! shj hio hmkjfirm. girmd? soim?
makertf....oooof
(Riker falls to floor)
Picard: Number one? Are you all right?
Riker (from floor): yutr jufg jtrdck p jk? ygtv ae grte!
(the Doctor goes to Riker and picks him up from where he fell after his
glorious statements.)
Doctor: Better help me get him to his room, Captain. Soon!
Picard: Why take him to his room? How badly does this drink affect
one, Guinan?
Guinan: Let's put it this way, Captain: Will hadn't SWALLOWED it yet.
Picard: I thought you were using synthahol in that!
Guinan: I was. All the OTHER ingredients were real, though.
Picard: All the OTHER...
Guinan: You don't want to know.
Doctor (shouting from door): Come on Jean-Luc! I can't find my way
around this ship of yours! Help me with this man(?!).
(Picard sets down drink and helps the Doctor. We see Wesley and O'Brien
watching them leave. Chocolate coats their faces, and they look confused.)
SHIFT SCENE TO MAIN BRIDGE
(Worf and Lt. Data are hunched over the weapons console as Picard and the
Doctor walk off the turbo-lift.)
Worf: See sir, I told you I could kill them all without receiving any
damage. You must honor your bet, Commander.
Data: Yes, Lieutenant. I understand the rules. I shall hon...
Picard (extremely aghast): GENTLEMEN! I cannot believe that you would
do such a thing! Confine yourselves to your quarters at once!! (he raises his
hand) No, Mr. Data. I will hear no explanations. GO!
(Data and Worf leave the bridge. The Handy-Dandy Replacement Lieutenant steps
up to the weapons position. He looks up alarmed)
HDRL (in very bad heavy germanic accent): Zir. Der are three hostiles
approaching. Shall I fire on zem, mein Kapitan? (he smiles.)
Picard (turning to him questioningly): Lieutenant.......?
HDRL (still smiling): Cousteau, zir.
Picard: Coust....Yes, well..lock on phasers and fire on zem..I mean
them.
(the Doctor sits in Riker's chair, and looks in horror at the scene unfolding
around him.)
Lt. Cousteau (fist raised in gesture of satisfaction): Got'em
zir!........Oh-oh! Uh. Zir. I'm afraid zere's a problem.
Doctor (glaring at Picard): A problem, really? You mean you CAN'T just
go around killing "hostiles" without finding out who they are? Why, how sad!
[INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE]
SCENE 12
(Scene opens on the main bridge as Romana enters to a room full of laughter.
Picard is red-faced as the entire bridge population holds their sides in
laughter, with the exception of Lt. Rock, the Horta, who has no sides.)
Romana (confused): What's so funny?? Doctor?
Doctor (still laughing): A video game!! A video game!! It was a video
game and he only hit a Klingon garbage scow! Don't you get it?
Romana: Huh? Men! (sighs and walks off bridge)
Doctor and Picard--------- Women! [INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE]
(So, now, back to the plot. Hah! You didn't think there was one, did you?
Fooled you. There is! Nyah-nyah! Aahmm. Back to our program. The Enterprise,
complete with TARDIS and Doctor, heads for the first of the 4 decimated Class M
planets in the system, in an attempt to determine what sort of new weaponry the
Daleks have developed.)
SCENE 13
(Transporter room)
Picard: I have assembled a landing party. Doctor, would you care to
accompany us to the planet's surface? After all, you do seem to be our resident
Dalek expert.
Doctor: I'd be delighted, Captain. Especially since your First Officer
still seems to be incapacitated. I notice all your other chief officers seem to
be joining us, though.
Picard (To Doctor): Yes, if anything happens to the landing party it
is my duty to leave absolutely no one left capable of commanding the vessel. (In
tone of authority) All right everyone. Standard defense position. We don't know
what might be down there. Stay with your travel buddy and look both ways before
crossing. (to tech standing at transporter) Energize!
[F/X: A sparkling Alka-Seltzer column envelops the party and they
disappear in a barrage of synthesizer tones.]
(surface of alienplanet, littered with smoking bodies.)
Picard: Analysis, Mr. Data.
Data: Having been on this planet only 47.956325 seconds, Captain, I
cannot give you a full report yet, but apparently, the "Daleks" and the weak,
innocent small fuzzy creatures with big eyes and twitchy noses both suffered
great losses here. All bodies show signs of destruction by high-powered energy
weapons. The weak, innocent small fuzzy creatures with big eyes and twitchy
noses show no sign of possessing such weapons, therefore I would postulate that
after the destruction of the weak, innocent small fuzzy creatures with big eyes
and twitchy noses, the "Daleks" fell to fighting amongst themselves. My scanners
show no life signs other than our own, therefore I would also theorize any
survivors have left the planet. All this seems to have occured 7.459357 days
previously.
Doctor: That was a partial analysis?
Geordi: Yah. He only went to six decimal places.
Data: By the way, Doctor, your own life readings are unique in my
experience. At your leisure, I would like to perform a full analysis of your
biological functions....
Doctor: Ahhhh....yes. We'll see, won't we. Later. Much later.
Geordie: Good choice. The last person whose biological functions he
wanted to analyse was Lt. Yar.
Picard: Yes. Let us focus on the problem at hand.
O'Brien: That being what, sir?
Picard: How to get this muck off our boots. (Taps communicator) Picard
to Enterprise! Beam us up!
(The entire landing party beams back up, never having moved from the spot to
which they had beamed down. Captain Picard then realizes that no one on the
landing party died in the line of duty. He therefore beams back down to the
planet and ritually sacrifices a female staff archaeologist. His report later
shows that she "died in an ancient alien booby trap that went horribly awry".)
(Transporter room)
Troi (upon Picard's beaming back over): You never did quite get over
Vash, did you?
Picard: Enough, Counselor!
Troi: You know, you really should seek counseling for this....
Picard: Counselor, would you care to accompany me to the planet's
surface?
Troi: Uh.....no.
CUT
SCENE 14
(fade in on view of the Enterprise bridge, empty.)
Picard: (v.o.) Captain's Log, Additional, Stardate 43343.57: My crew
and I have just returned from a scene of unremitting carnage. Unidentifiable
pieces of gristle and fur were scattered in every direction, sticky, gooey,
multi-coloured, stinking, smoking and/or congealing, and just plain icky. There
appeared to be no survivors, unless you define the word "survivor" differently
from the Standard Galactic English For Manifest Destiny Empires Masquerading As
Democratic Federations Dictionary. Everyone present immediately lost his or her
lunch, with the exception of Lt. Rock, the Horta, who wasn't there, and, in any
event, has no lunch. Remind me never, never, ever, ever, to visit the Junior
Officers' Mess aga in.
(Pause)
Oh, yes. My landing party, along with this week's expert alien guests whom we
met two hours ago but now trust completely, the Doctor and Romana, examined the
class M planetoid from which the weak, innocent, etc. buggers sent their
distress call. everybody was dead, so we beamed back up.
(Long pause)
Uhrrrm... and Lt. Vera Expendable, one our large staff pool of female
archaeologists, was killed messily in an ancient alien booby trap gone horribly
awry.
End transmission.
(The bridge is still empty. Bored cameraman abruptly pans right, off-set, to
where Patrick Stewart is leaning on a studio wall and smoking an
unfiltered Camel. Stewart shrugs, points at the empty studio. Enter
Colm Meany and Wil Wh eaton, laughing and chugging large cans of
GENERIC CHEAP BEER tm. They saunter towards the set. Slowly the rest of
the cast shuffles in. Marina Sirtis arrives in a size 16 tent dress. A
costume girl rushes in with the Troi coverall and a PLAYTEX INCREDO-CORSET
tm. Mercifully, a stagehand walks in front of the camera, and the next
view is of the buxom Troi we all know and love. Finally the entire ST:TNG cast
is lounging next to the set, looking bored and irritable, and muttering
discontedly.)
Stewart: Where the bloody hell are they?!!!
(Convenient-Stagehand-Number-2 pushes aside a disused warp coil prop
with the words, "Q was here" written on it in pink lettering, to reveal Tom
Baker and Lalla Ward locked in a passionate embrace, seated
precariously on K-9's back.)
[INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE]
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TV work since Charles In Charge) New from Macrosoft: Product
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the whole damn thing came out in Sanskrit? Does your web page look like somebody
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Then you need BORG tm.
With BORG tm, there will be NO differences in your software.
There will be NO variations in your programming. There will be NO alt.sex
newsgroups on your account... Ahem. You get the picture.
Remember: look for the label: BORG tm Inside!
Resistence is silly. Decency will prevail.
CUT.
SCENE 15
(Open on Enterprise bridge. the entire crew (minus Riker) is present (with
the exception of Lt. Rock, the Horta, who has no lines in this episode, and so
didn't want to get into the bloody sweltering costume, $%%$&!!) as well as
the Doctor, Romana, and K-9. Romana is h urriedly re-arranging her hair, while
the Doctor wipes lipstick traces from his cheek.)
Picard: Well, with no apparent survivors and no trace of escapees, it
seems that our adventure with the salt-And-Dalek-Shakers is at an end.
Doctor: That's it? No investigation? No narrow escapes?
Lt. Cousteau: Well, zere vas the Junior Officers' Mess...
Romana: But what about my extra costume changes? What about narrative
credibility?
Doctor: What about closure?
Picard: Closure? Closure's out of style, man! Scully! Mulder! What
about closure?
[F/X: X-Files theme played on kazoo]
(Scully and Mulder appear from nowhere, looking nonplused to be wearing
starfleet uniforms)
Scully: Closure sucks.
Mulder: It was aliens. I seen 'em.
(Scully and Mulder disappear in a technically impressive lightshow which
should not in any way be confused with the ST:TNG transporter effect.)
Doctor: Ahem. Superfluous cameos aside... Wait! I have an idea!
Romana: What is it, Doctor?
Doctor: It's an original thought with some creative relevence to a
particular problem or situation, but that's not important right now...
Back to Pointy Sticks!
Cousteau------------------ Vimmin!
To be continued, in some form or other