S/X Abuse
by Lumenara Dhahm
Both Spike and Xander have canon histories of relationships with
women/creatures whose treatment of them typically ranges from bad
to abusive. I don't mean just one; I mean the whole chain.
Spike's are easier to see, of course: Cecily viewed him with outright
disdain; Dru had him do her bidding, and ran around on him whenever
the urge entered her pretty little mad head; Harmony... I've only
just now remembered her role, so give me a minute; and Buffy was
downright abusive for most of their relationship. Okay, so Harmony
is the questionable link in the chain, but Spike would likely be
the first to dismiss his relationship with her. She certainly doesn't
qualify as one of his "loves," because, character-wise, when Spike
loves, he does so completely-and in all fairness, obsessively. But
he "love[s] syphilis more than [Harmony]," so I think she may even
prove the point I will eventually get to.
Xander, in one of the early season episodes, actually says something
about "disdain [being] kind of a turn-on." Throughout the show,
he seems to react wholeheartedly to any show of affection. The issue
with Willow is complicated, and I think it belongs somewhere else.
The demon flings-the single episode throw-aways, like the teacher/mantis-woman and Ampata/mummy-girl follow this trend.
The situation with Faith could easily be classed as rape, and I
don't see the gender "switch" as an exoneration. Despite that, Xander,
after a brief time has passed, latches on to the "positive" in that
situation, the idea that Faith wanted him. His whole "I could try
talking to her" tack (in the scene that clues Willow, Giles, and
Buffy in, some episodes later) demonstrates that he's chosen to
view the experience as a positive one; he thinks Faith has some
kind of feeling for him, that they "have a connection" (in "Consequences"). The only constant in his relationship with Cordelia seems to be her disdain for him, and her treatment of him at the beginning and ends of would again be considered unacceptable if their genders were reversed.
And hmm... the same is true for his relationship with Anya-- she
asks him to the prom by saying "Men are evil. Will you go with me?"
The "interlocking parts" speech that comes later would, again, be
considered unacceptable if it was a man delivering it. Their relationship grew out of the fact that she was willing to have sex with him. (Before that, with Cordelia, the initial attraction was physical,
but at least it began as with a mutual action. Unfortunately, mutual
respect was not quick to follow. However, that gesture was a kiss.)
Now, you can bet if a man walked into some woman's dwelling with
that speech and dropped trou, she'd scream and call the police (all
joking aside, anyway); even with the same two characters, magically
gender-switched to Anyo and Xandra, the actions become unacceptable.
Actually, Anya's entire character premise would be completely unsympathetic in a male character.
Here's that promised point: neither man thinks enough of himself
to believe that someone who they bestow high regard upon would be
willing to have an equal relationship with them. They are therefore
willing to take whatever they are given because they never expected
someone would find them worth even that much. Both men share a tendency
to fix on the unattainable-- this may or may not factor in here, as well.
But back to the point: neither man has ever had an equal relationship,
in the romantic sense. Both have profiles that would probably fit abused women.
_____
